It's been almost 3 weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful angel. I should be 23 weeks pregnant with her, I should still be able to feel her move around, I should be preparing for her arrival, I should be complaining because none of my clothes fit anymore.....but I'm not! Instead I have an emptiness that nothing can fill. I have a crib that is still in the box, I have clothes that I had to pack away because Brinley will never wear them, I have toys that she can't play with but most of all I have questions that have no answers. All I have are pictures, memories and a beautiful urn with the remains of my only child in it.
Studies show that anencephaly happens in 1 and every 1000 pregnancies...why did Brinley have to be that one? Not that I would ever wish this to happen to anyone, but why me!?! Is my karma really that bad...I guess that would depend on who you asked. I've done my fair share of dumb shit (maybe even more than my share) and I'm sure others got hurt in the process. But I don't recall ever intentionally setting out to hurt anyone & over the last 7 years I've tried to make amends for my wrongs. I don't think that I deserved this...despite the opinion of one in particular.
Getting ready for Christmas is a trying time. I see all of the "Baby's First Christmas" stuff everywhere but my baby's first Christmas won't be spend with me...or any other Christmas for that matter. I'm putting up a stocking for her & she has her own ornament (as we get a new ornament each year for each of us).
I feel like I'm on a "poor me" kick...which is not me at all. I have always been one who could take a punch. I could get knocked down, get up, dust myself off and move on as if it were easy. Some say it's a defense mechanism that I have....or maybe I've been knocked down so many times that I just taught myself to get back up. Either way, I learned to pick up the pieces by walking away from the situation that knocked my down and put it behind me. This is different though.....I can't walk away from the situation, I can't forget about her and I don't want to either. I want to hold her as close to me as I can for the rest of my life.
This has been a hard day for me.....I've tried to keep myself busy with cleaning & putting up all the Christmas stuff & rearranging furniture. But since I just had shoulder surgery 2 weeks ago, my shoulder doesn't hold out for much of the activities that I've been trying to do today.
<3 Melissa <3