Monday, December 19, 2011

Emotions

This is such a roller coaster of emotions!! One minute I’ll be ok and the next minute I fall apart….the ups and downs are ridiculous! Going through the “what ifs” doesn’t help any either. I know that there is nothing that I could’ve done to change what has happened but I can’t help but think what things would be like if I would’ve been taking at least a multi-vitamin (as they tell everyone to). Would that have changed things….would she still be with us? I try not to beat myself up with all of the questions, but at the same time, it’s hard not to think them.

Every night, I walk in to the bedroom….Maddox’s bunk bed is set up but not Brinley’s crib. Maddox isn’t always here so the bedroom is usually empty & quite. I feel cheated out of my little girl! I’ve already given birth to her, so I’m supposed to be going through the sleepless nights because she doesn’t want to sleep. Instead, I go through sleepless nights because my mind won’t stop long enough to go to sleep. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Not a day goes by that I don't wish she was still with me. Not a day goes by.......I see other babies and think of all of the things that I'll never see Brinley do...at least not in this lifetime.

Finally!!! I have the answers that I've been waiting on! Well, in my case...no answers are good answers. We did get the results back from all the test that were ran today. The tests showed NOTHING!! The placenta looked normal with normal placement of the umbilical cord. The genetic tests came back perfect (46 XX). The doctors say that it was just "bad luck" because according to all the tests, Brinley was a perfect little girl. Anencephaly happens 1 in every 1000 pregnancies, I just happened to give birth to the one ... I hate to ask "why me" because that would imply that someone else should have to walk this path and no one deseres this... I guess my luck just sucks!

1 comment:

Deb said...

Deb Stone

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, you and Leif. There is no why, no reason that we know of. I'm not one that thinks God did this for a reason, but I do think that God can take any situation and turn it into something that can bless us and allow us to grow and become closer to Him. I see how this has affected your life and what I see, looking here from my perspective, is a woman who has gone through one of the worst things imaginable and she is still able to raise her head toward Heaven and love her God. I hope you know how powerful that is and what a testimony that is to others and how that can bring others to seek the God that gives you such strength. I have been blessed with hope and courage through your tragedy and because of Brinley. Her short life matters and has had a powerful impact on all who have watched you and your family go through this. So, in spite of the loss, the huge and painful loss, you have truly been blessed...
Deb Stone