Saturday, December 17, 2011

1 Month

Today is Brinley's 1 month birthday!! Happy 1 month my sweet angel!
We hope you liked the balloons we released for you today!
We love you and miss you more and more everyday!!!!!!

It's hard to believe that it's already been a month since we had to say our good-byes to our beautiful baby girl. I wish I could have her with me right now....I wish this blog could be about the struggles of being a new mom......but sometimes we don't get what we want. Well, I guess I did get what I asked/prayed for.....I prayed the entire time that I was pregnant that Brinley would be healthy and happy. She is most definitely healthy and happy watching over us in Heaven. Although, being healthy and happy in Heaven is not quite what I meant, she is what I prayed that she would be......I guess next time I should be more specific!

A friend of mine found this online and shared it with me, so I thought that I would pass it's crazy how a person I've never met can speak the words that my heart tries to say....

A Bereaved Parent’s wishlist:
I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had her back. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that she is dead. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself. I don’t want to have a “Pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will never understand.
<3 Melissa <3

1 comment:

Deb said...

Well, I think that about says it all now doesn't it? Grief is such a personal process and no two people go through it exactly the same. I may understand your feelings of loss and grief...but not totally. What I have learned from my own loss is never to do all of the things listed in this mother's wish list. When I ask how you are doing, I want to know and I know that "not good" is an appropriate answer. In time, there will be a new normal for your life and it will include that one corner where Brinley Faith Morgan lives. Life will have joy again and you will find things to be happy about once again, but Brinley will always be a part of your life. In time, the memories of her will put a smile on your face, not always a tear in your eye. Time does not erase our losses, it just helps to make them bearable. In time, wounds heal...but they always leave a scar. I have no shame in my grief. What it should say to people is that you loved greatly, not that you are weak. It is a necessary process if we are to ever get back to living.
I think you are amazing and that you are doing great things through your grief. I think that your tears are beautiful because they are...well, let's call them liquid love for your daughter, Brinley Faith. I love that you are able to be so open and transparent and that you allow others the opportunity to heal through watching you.
Love you, Cuz,