Tuesday, July 24, 2012

?? Next Chapter ??

It's been quite some time since I posted here. I can honestly say that I am a completely different person that I was before. I guess you could say that I see things in a different light.

I recently went for a check-up ... again ... it seems that the doctor office like me :-) Only this time, it was determined that the Clomid would not work for me and that my chances of ever getting pregnant naturally were slim to none.

Since having Brinley, I tried my best to remain positive and to be optimistic about the situation. This in itself was a task for me because it is my nature to see and prepare for the worst while I secretly hope for the best. Although in this situation, I don't think I was quite as prepared as I would have liked to have been. I keep seeing all these pregnant people around me and in the back of my head, I kept thinking that it should be my turn. I should get to have my Rainbow Baby!!! Leaving the doctor's office, I felt a little less hope than I did before. Here I had my miracle baby, but she's gone. It felt like I was starting all over again...hopeless...like the first time I had heard a doctor tell me that I would never have a child of my own naturally.

But then I thought about it, I prayed about it...and I thought and prayed some more! Maybe God had answered my prayers...just not the way I wanted. Maybe I'm not meant to raise and love and care for my own flesh and blood....Maybe my child(ren) are to be born to someone else. I could be wrong, God didn't send me a check list of what he was going to do in my life. But knowing and believing this has helped me to accept the fact that, without outside medical intervention, I will never again be pregnant. And for once, I am ok with that...it's not my preference but I don't recall ever being asked either.

My parents are also Foster Parents...so I have the opportunity to spend time with kids that need love and family. These kids have been abused and neglected at an age when they should only know what unconditional love is and there biggest issue of the day should be what they are going to wear. My heart goes out to these kids and I fall in love with them easily!! It's not easy being a Foster Sister, especially when they get returned to the same environment that they were removed from ... But it is so very rewarding to see the smile on their faces ... to see a child relax and feel safe and love!

I'm not real sure what my next step will be ... I am try InVetro ... I may look into adoption ... I may look into becoming a Foster Parent myself. Whatever my next step is, I have faith the God will bring me to it and lead me down the path. And of course, I have my beautiful Guardian Angel looking over me every step of the way.

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