"Normal"

**I borrowed this from a friend of mine....These are not my words but it is my heart so I thought I would share.**

This Is Now What “Normal” Is…

* Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.
* Normal for me is trying to decide what to do for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, July 4th and Easter to honor my baby.
* Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable at a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.. yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
* Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything.
* Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand ‘what ifs’ and ‘why didn’t I’s’ go through your head constantly.
* Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
* Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because silence is deafening.
* Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby’s age and then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
* Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.
* Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.
* Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor my child’s memory and their birthday and survive these days, trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
* Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that reminds me of my baby. Thinking how she would have loved it, but how she’s not here to enjoy it.
* Normal is having some people afraid to even mention my baby.
* Normal is making sure that others remember her.
* Normal is that after the funeral is over, everyone else goes on with their lives but we will continue to grieve our loss forever.
* Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
* Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING COMPARES. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
* Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
* Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
* Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, because you are someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
* Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face.
* Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
* Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food in the house.
* Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in Heaven. Yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
* Normal is knowing I will never get over the loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all...
*Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone else around you will think you are “normal”.

Trying To Move Forward

I have always took pride in the fact that I know who I am and have always been confident with who I am. But...things have seemed to change since I lost the biggest part of me. There is a whole in my heart and my life that can never be replaced. The best part of me is gone .... and now rest in the arms of Jesus. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of her and wish that she was still here with me. I question my decision to induce labor early all of the time...but I know in my heart it was the right decision for me, Brinley and everyone else that was a part of my daughter's short life. Brinley's due date is quickly approaching (April 1st)....and instead of preparing for her birth we are trying to move forward in our lives. Learning how to hold on to her memory and move forward in our lives has become a difficult task.  I guess I am learning who the "new me" is!

What Made Me....Me!

As my Dad once said..."she graduated from the School of Hard Knocks, top of her class"! Sure it was a joke for him, but it was quite true in reality. Let me say now, before someone gets the wrong idea...I sent myself through the "School of Hard Knocks"! Believe me, my parents tried everything they could (short of military school) to get me to act right but I wasn't going to listen...to anyone! For some strange reason, I wanted to learn things the hard way...I wanted to see all that "life" was about...I wanted to make my own path...and I wanted to do it MY way.

Needless to say, the course I took through life wasn't the easiest road one could take...But I did learn a whole lot on the road, some good, some bad, some fun, some sad. I lost a lot of people that meant a lot to me over the years; some to death, some to prison, some just because they couldn't (or wouldn't) deal with all of my festivities, and some because I just had to walk away! Although, those who watched all of my destruction from a distance were the ones most affected ... only I didn't know that until ... life as I once knew it, completely imploded. I do mean "imploded".....with the blink of an eye, everything that I knew and the person I had become...had to change!

Most people who quit the lifestyle that I led say how bad things were for them and how miserable they were while they were getting high and living the lifestyle that you live. Well...I'm not one of those people! I had a whole lot of fun and for the most part, I can't say that I "regret" any of it. Sure, I had those days/ weeks that were less than ideal but for the most part, it wasn't that bad. But to compare the way things were then  as to the way the are now...it's as different as night and day. I wouldn't change the way things are now for anything. Then again, I wouldn't change the way thing were either, I learned so much from it all. I learned what people are made of, but most importantly, I learned what I am made of.

I earned the nickname of Lizzard!! Not because of anything x-rated but because my nephew couldn't say my name.....but I say that I earned it because I have the ability to adapt to my environment quite easily. I took the name with pride and for the longest time, even those closest to me didn't know what my real name (and I liked it that way). Lets just say that I was doing a few things that could've landed me in prison for several years, so people not knowing my real name wasn't a bad thing.

June 12, 2005 marked the beginning of the whole new me! To make a very long story short....I had a wreck...woke up in the hospital with a shattered wrist, a few broken ribs & a huge knot on the side of my head...under arrest....lets just say it wasn't my best day!! Who would've thought that what was then the worst day of my life would actually turn out to be the best day of my life. Sobriety came fairly easy for me...after all, my choices were to embrace sobriety or prison but I had to embrace something because the judge wasn't going to let me keep my old life, so I choose sobriety!

Through sobriety, I got to know the God that created me!! I'm not the same person that I used to be and I don't care to even go back to being that person. But I don't wish to erase the past either...all that I was, has made who I am...and I love me!!! Having a relationship with God doesn't make the bad days go away but it does make them more bearable. I don't consider myself to be a "religious" person, I can't recite Bible verses and I can't tell you details.....but I do know the jest of what the Bible teaches us. I do consider myself "spiritual" because I do know God and I do have a personal relationship with him. I try to do the right thing by what I have learned and what I believe. I honestly believe that Jesus saved us from our sins and that people can change, if they truly want to. I have faith in things that I cannot see...I may not be able to touch it but I can feel it!

<3 Melissa <3

Seems Like Yesterday

It’s been just over two months and it still seems like yesterday that I held my beautiful baby girl in the palm of my hand. What I would give to have her with me today…to hear her crying and keeping me up at nights would be heaven sent. But since dwelling on what could’ve been will get me absolutely no where, I must be thankful for the time that I did get with her. I know that my time with her was short; I also know that my time with her was exactly what God had planned. I know that she is in a much better place and I know that she doesn’t hurt anymore. I also know who her parents are….which probably means that she is keeping the man up there on his toes!! J I do miss her more than anything but I want her to look down from Heaven and be proud to tell her friends that I am her Mommy, I don't want her to be sad for me ... so I have to move forward the best I can. I will always carry her with me, in everything I do; she will always be a part of me! God gives me strength to pick up the pieces; God gives me the courage to get out of bed in the mornings….without God I would never get through this. He has blessed me with a support system that is unreal…they are my rock!! 

The Beginning of 2012

I expected the Christmas holiday to be difficult considering that it was my 1st Christmas without Brinley. I was waiting for the meltdown to happen...but it never did. I felt sad but at the same time, I felt at peace. I miss her like crazy and not a moment goes by that I don't think of her but I know that she is where God intended for her to be. It was nice to know that family hasn't forgotten about her. She was talked about a lot and it's quite clear that her memory is still alive ... She is most definitely with us!!

As we look forward to what 2012 has to offer us...I have to give thanks for the blessings that I have received in 2011. Dwelling on the bad will never bring Brinley back to me but being grateful to God for all that he has blessed me with will allow me to see her again one day. Some days it's not always easy to remember the good but there will always be tomorrow. Yes, I know they say that "tomorrow is never promised"....but in reality it has been! God has promised each of us eternal life and in my book, that means "tomorrow" (I never said "tomorrow" would take place on this earth)!!

I have an amazing family that have been more than supportive through my entire life (even when they should've walked away from all of my ignorance) ... I could never begin thank them enough to show my gratitude. I have a church family and my husband's family who have stood by us and walked beside us through what was the hardest, most difficult time of our life. We may have slept through the ball drop of 2011, but we have God, family, friends and a church family who made 2011 a year to remember...a year to cherish!

<3 Melissa <3

Emotions

This is such a roller coaster of emotions!! One minute I’ll be ok and the next minute I fall apart….the ups and downs are ridiculous! Going through the “what ifs” doesn’t help any either. I know that there is nothing that I could’ve done to change what has happened but I can’t help but think what things would be like if I would’ve been taking at least a multi-vitamin (as they tell everyone to). Would that have changed things….would she still be with us? I try not to beat myself up with all of the questions, but at the same time, it’s hard not to think them.

Every night, I walk in to the bedroom….Maddox’s bunk bed is set up but not Brinley’s crib. Maddox isn’t always here so the bedroom is usually empty & quite. I feel cheated out of my little girl! I’ve already given birth to her, so I’m supposed to be going through the sleepless nights because she doesn’t want to sleep. Instead, I go through sleepless nights because my mind won’t stop long enough to go to sleep. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Not a day goes by that I don't wish she was still with me. Not a day goes by.......I see other babies and think of all of the things that I'll never see Brinley do...at least not in this lifetime.

Finally!!! I have the answers that I've been waiting on! Well, in my case...no answers are good answers. We did get the results back from all the test that were ran today. The tests showed NOTHING!! The placenta looked normal with normal placement of the umbilical cord. The genetic tests came back perfect (46 XX). The doctors say that it was just "bad luck" because according to all the tests, Brinley was a perfect little girl. Anencephaly happens 1 in every 1000 pregnancies, I just happened to give birth to the one ... I hate to ask "why me" because that would imply that someone else should have to walk this path and no one deseres this... I guess my luck just sucks!

1 Month

Today is Brinley's 1 month birthday!! Happy 1 month my sweet angel!
We hope you liked the balloons we released for you today!
We love you and miss you more and more everyday!!!!!!

It's hard to believe that it's already been a month since we had to say our good-byes to our beautiful baby girl. I wish I could have her with me right now....I wish this blog could be about the struggles of being a new mom......but sometimes we don't get what we want. Well, I guess I did get what I asked/prayed for.....I prayed the entire time that I was pregnant that Brinley would be healthy and happy. She is most definitely healthy and happy watching over us in Heaven. Although, being healthy and happy in Heaven is not quite what I meant, she is what I prayed that she would be......I guess next time I should be more specific!

A friend of mine found this online and shared it with me, so I thought that I would pass it along.....it's crazy how a person I've never met can speak the words that my heart tries to say....

A Bereaved Parent’s wishlist:
I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had her back. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that she is dead. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself. I don’t want to have a “Pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

<3 Melissa <3