tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59024103884119061582024-02-20T14:28:55.175-05:00Our life after AnencephalyInside our personal journey! Keeping the memory of our daughter alive, trying to pick up the pieces and move forward in our lives. Our desire to have other children after losing our first born to anencephaly.Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-13483508935750248832014-05-02T20:57:00.000-04:002014-05-02T20:57:01.617-04:00Our Happy ... Beginning I know I have been seriously slacking with any updates on this blog! However, a lot has taken place since my last post....so let me start where I left off.<br />
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My husband and I tried for a couple of years after losing Brinley with no luck to make another baby. Then in March of 2013, I found out I was pregnant!! My nerves were a wreck, I feared losing this baby too. But I was trying to remain positive, I took my vitamins as I should have to try and prevent this baby from having anencephaly too. We wanted so badly to have a healthy baby!! But then our joy turned to tears as we went to the Dr for our first ultrasound and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was convinced that it was just to early to be detected, so we waited 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks seemed to drag by, waiting is horrible as I am NOT a patient person. We finally were ready for another ultrasound ... fetal pole and gestational sac measured to date, but still no heartbeat (which should have been clear by now). I was still not ready or willing to give up hope!! After all, our baby was growing!!! So, we waited another (very long) 2 weeks. This time, the fetal pole and gestational sac had shrunk ... still no heartbeat. We were heartbroken once again. With the hopes of finding out why our baby didn't make it, we decided to have a d & c done. On May 16th, 2013 I had the surgery. We did find out that we were going to have twin boys, but they both had mismatched chromosomes. <br />
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We had to come to terms with the loss of our boys, the same as we had to cope with the loss of our daughter almost 2 years before. <br />
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At the end of October, we were asked if we would be willing to adopt a little girl ... without question we said YES!! Of course we contacted an attorney so we could have everything in order before she was born. Once again, we had to wait!! On January 13, 2014 at 4:16pm our daughter was born!! Gabriella Raine was a tiny 5 pound 7 ounces and 17 inches long ... and she was GORGEOUS!!! After 4 days in the hospital, we were able to bring our baby girl home!! Our family was finally complete!!<br />
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The adoption process is nerve racking, to say the very least ... however, I'd gladly do it again! As of now, we are about half way through the adoption process, hopefully it won't be much longer! Gabriella is the light of our world ... She completes us! I are so happy to have her in our lives, in our home, in our hearts ... We are totally head over heels in love with every single thing she does and every ounce of her! <br />
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I will try to keep this up to date ... but I will make no promises :)<br />
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MelissaMorgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-77576050276440839742012-07-24T16:34:00.004-04:002012-08-05T18:05:30.542-04:00?? Next Chapter ??It's been quite some time since I posted here. I can honestly say that I am a completely different person that I was before. I guess you could say that I see things in a different light.<br />
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I recently went for a check-up ... again ... it seems that the doctor office like me :-) Only this time, it was determined that the Clomid would not work for me and that my chances of ever getting pregnant naturally were slim to none. <br />
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Since having Brinley, I tried my best to remain positive and to be optimistic about the situation. This in itself was a task for me because it is my nature to see and prepare for the worst while I secretly hope for the best. Although in this situation, I don't think I was quite as prepared as I would have liked to have been. I keep seeing all these pregnant people around me and in the back of my head, I kept thinking that it should be my turn. I should get to have my Rainbow Baby!!! Leaving the doctor's office, I felt a little less hope than I did before. Here I had my miracle baby, but she's gone. It felt like I was starting all over again...hopeless...like the first time I had heard a doctor tell me that I would never have a child of my own naturally. <br />
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But then I thought about it, I prayed about it...and I thought and prayed some more! Maybe God had answered my prayers...just not the way I wanted. Maybe I'm not meant to raise and love and care for my own flesh and blood....Maybe my child(ren) are to be born to someone else. I could be wrong, God didn't send me a check list of what he was going to do in my life. But knowing and believing this has helped me to accept the fact that, without outside medical intervention, I will never again be pregnant. And for once, I am ok with that...it's not my preference but I don't recall ever being asked either. <br />
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My parents are also Foster Parents...so I have the opportunity to spend time with kids that need love and family. These kids have been abused and neglected at an age when they should only know what unconditional love is and there biggest issue of the day should be what they are going to wear. My heart goes out to these kids and I fall in love with them easily!! It's not easy being a Foster Sister, especially when they get returned to the same environment that they were removed from ... But it is so very rewarding to see the smile on their faces ... to see a child relax and feel safe and love!<br />
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I'm not real sure what my next step will be ... I am try InVetro ... I may look into adoption ... I may look into becoming a Foster Parent myself. Whatever my next step is, I have faith the God will bring me to it and lead me down the path. And of course, I have my beautiful Guardian Angel looking over me every step of the way.Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-55054272787402873572012-04-05T13:11:00.000-04:002012-04-05T13:11:37.261-04:00"Normal"<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">**I borrowed this from a friend of mine....These are not my words but it is my heart so I thought I would share.**</span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">This Is Now What “Normal” Is…<br />
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* Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.<br />
* Normal for me is trying to decide what to do for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, July 4th and Easter to honor my baby.<br />
* Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable at a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.. yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.<br />
* Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything.<br />
* Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand ‘what ifs’ and ‘why didn’t I’s’ go through your head constantly.<br />
* Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.<br />
* Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because silence is deafening.<br />
* Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby’s age and then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.<br />
* Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.<br />
* Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.<br />
* Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor my child’s memory and their birthday and survive these days, trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.<br />
* Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that reminds me of my baby. Thinking how she would have loved it, but how she’s not here to enjoy it.<br />
* Normal is having some people afraid to even mention my baby.<br />
* Normal is making sure that others remember her.<br />
* Normal is that after the funeral is over, everyone else goes on with their lives but we will continue to grieve our loss forever.<br />
* Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.<br />
* Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING COMPARES. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.<br />
* Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.<br />
* Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.<br />
* Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, because you are someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.<br />
* Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face.<br />
* Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.<br />
* Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food in the house.<br />
* Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in Heaven. Yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.<br />
* Normal is knowing I will never get over the loss, in a day or a million years.</span><br />
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">And last of all...</span><br />
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">*Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone else around you will think you are “normal”.</span>Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-79883341682671051942012-03-14T11:21:00.001-04:002012-03-14T11:22:34.993-04:00Trying To Move ForwardI have always took pride in the fact that I know who I am and have always been confident with who I am. But...things have seemed to change since I lost the biggest part of me. There is a whole in my heart and my life that can never be replaced. The best part of me is gone .... and now rest in the arms of Jesus. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of her and wish that she was still here with me. I question my decision to induce labor early all of the time...but I know in my heart it was the right decision for me, Brinley and everyone else that was a part of my daughter's short life. Brinley's due date is quickly approaching (April 1st)....and instead of preparing for her birth we are trying to move forward in our lives. Learning how to hold on to her memory and move forward in our lives has become a difficult task. I guess I am learning who the "new me" is!Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-24748809738048806062012-01-31T14:45:00.003-05:002012-03-14T11:23:14.863-04:00What Made Me....Me!As my Dad once said..."she graduated from the School of Hard Knocks, top of her class"! Sure it was a joke for him, but it was quite true in reality. Let me say now, before someone gets the wrong idea...I sent myself through the "School of Hard Knocks"! Believe me, my parents tried everything they could (short of military school) to get me to act right but I wasn't going to listen...to anyone! For some strange reason, I wanted to learn things the hard way...I wanted to see all that "life" was about...I wanted to make my own path...and I wanted to do it MY way. <br />
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Needless to say, the course I took through life wasn't the easiest road one could take...But I did learn a whole lot on the road, some good, some bad, some fun, some sad. I lost a lot of people that meant a lot to me over the years; some to death, some to prison, some just because they couldn't (or wouldn't) deal with all of my festivities, and some because I just had to walk away! Although, those who watched all of my destruction from a distance were the ones most affected ... only I didn't know that until ... life as I once knew it, completely imploded. I do mean "imploded".....with the blink of an eye, everything that I knew and the person I had become...had to change!<br />
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Most people who quit the lifestyle that I led say how bad things were for them and how miserable they were while they were getting high and living the lifestyle that you live. Well...I'm not one of those people! I had a whole lot of fun and for the most part, I can't say that I "regret" any of it. Sure, I had those days/ weeks that were less than ideal but for the most part, it wasn't that bad. But to compare the way things were then as to the way the are now...it's as different as night and day. I wouldn't change the way things are now for anything. Then again, I wouldn't change the way thing were either, I learned so much from it all. I learned what people are made of, but most importantly, I learned what I am made of. <br />
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I earned the nickname of Lizzard!! Not because of anything x-rated but because my nephew couldn't say my name.....but I say that I earned it because I have the ability to adapt to my environment quite easily. I took the name with pride and for the longest time, even those closest to me didn't know what my real name (and I liked it that way). Lets just say that I was doing a few things that could've landed me in prison for several years, so people not knowing my real name wasn't a bad thing. <br />
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June 12, 2005 marked the beginning of the whole new me! To make a very long story short....I had a wreck...woke up in the hospital with a shattered wrist, a few broken ribs & a huge knot on the side of my head...under arrest....lets just say it wasn't my best day!! Who would've thought that what was then the worst day of my life would actually turn out to be the best day of my life. Sobriety came fairly easy for me...after all, my choices were to embrace sobriety or prison but I had to embrace something because the judge wasn't going to let me keep my old life, so I choose sobriety! <br />
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Through sobriety, I got to know the God that created me!! I'm not the same person that I used to be and I don't care to even go back to being that person. But I don't wish to erase the past either...all that I was, has made who I am...and I love me!!! Having a relationship with God doesn't make the bad days go away but it does make them more bearable. I don't consider myself to be a "religious" person, I can't recite Bible verses and I can't tell you details.....but I do know the jest of what the Bible teaches us. I do consider myself "spiritual" because I do know God and I do have a personal relationship with him. I try to do the right thing by what I have learned and what I believe. I honestly believe that Jesus saved us from our sins and that people can change, if they truly want to. I have faith in things that I cannot see...I may not be able to touch it but I can feel it! <br />
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<3 Melissa <3Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-4737625915816061012012-01-25T18:30:00.000-05:002012-01-25T18:30:04.633-05:00Seems Like Yesterday<span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s been just over two months and it still seems like yesterday that I held my beautiful baby girl in the palm of my hand. What I would give to have her with me today…to hear her crying and keeping me up at nights would be heaven sent. But since dwelling on what could’ve been will get me absolutely no where, I must be thankful for the time that I did get with her. I know that my time with her was short; I also know that my time with her was exactly what God had planned. I know that she is in a much better place and I know that she doesn’t hurt anymore. I also know who her parents are….which probably means that she is keeping the man up there on his toes!! <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span> I do miss her more than anything but I want her to look down from Heaven and be proud to tell her friends that I am her Mommy, I don't want her to be sad for me ... so I have to move forward the best I can. I will always carry her with me, in everything I do; she will always be a part of me! God gives me strength to pick up the pieces; God gives me the courage to get out of bed in the mornings….without God I would never get through this. He has blessed me with a support system that is unreal…they are my rock!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-68883766100313006382012-01-01T17:43:00.003-05:002013-02-22T21:19:22.036-05:00The Beginning of 2012I expected the Christmas holiday to be difficult considering that it was my 1st Christmas without Brinley. I was waiting for the meltdown to happen...but it never did. I felt sad but at the same time, I felt at peace. I miss her like crazy and not a moment goes by that I don't think of her but I know that she is where God intended for her to be. It was nice to know that family hasn't forgotten about her. She was talked about a lot and it's quite clear that her memory is still alive ... She is most definitely with us!!<br />
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As we look forward to what 2012 has to offer us...I have to give thanks for the blessings that I have received in 2011. Dwelling on the bad will never bring Brinley back to me but being grateful to God for all that he has blessed me with will allow me to see her again one day. Some days it's not always easy to remember the good but there will always be tomorrow. Yes, I know they say that "tomorrow is never promised"....but in reality it has been! God has promised each of us eternal life and in my book, that means "tomorrow" (I never said "tomorrow" would take place on this earth)!!<br />
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I have an amazing family that have been more than supportive through my entire life (even when they should've walked away from all of my ignorance) ... I could never begin thank them enough to show my gratitude. I have a church family and my husband's family who have stood by us and walked beside us through what was the hardest, most difficult time of our life. We may have slept through the ball drop of 2011, but we have God, family, friends and a church family who made 2011 a year to remember...a year to cherish! <br />
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<em><strong><3 Melissa <3</strong></em>Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-51733795817442808012011-12-19T18:21:00.002-05:002012-03-14T11:23:46.506-04:00Emotions<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This is such a roller coaster of emotions!! One minute I’ll be ok and the next minute I fall apart….the ups and downs are ridiculous! Going through the “what ifs” doesn’t help any either. I know that there is nothing that I could’ve done to change what has happened but I can’t help but think what things would be like if I would’ve been taking at least a multi-vitamin (as they tell everyone to). Would that have changed things….would she still be with us? I try not to beat myself up with all of the questions, but at the same time, it’s hard not to think them. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Every night, I walk in to the bedroom….Maddox’s bunk bed is set up but not Brinley’s crib. Maddox isn’t always here so the bedroom is usually empty & quite. I feel cheated out of my little girl! I’ve already given birth to her, so I’m supposed to be going through the sleepless nights because she doesn’t want to sleep. Instead, I go through sleepless nights because my mind won’t stop long enough to go to sleep. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Not a day goes by that I don't wish she was still with me. Not a day goes by.......I see other babies and think of all of the things that I'll never see Brinley do...at least not in this lifetime.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finally!!! I have the answers that I've been waiting on! Well, in my case...no answers are good answers. <span style="mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">We did get the results back from all the test that were ran today. The tests showed NOTHING!! The placenta looked normal with normal placement of the umbilical cord. The genetic tests came back perfect (46 XX). The doctors say that it was just "bad luck" because according to all the tests, Brinley was a perfect little girl. Anencephaly happens 1 in every 1000 pregnancies, I just happened to give birth to the one ... I hate to ask "why me" because that would imply that someone else should have to walk this path and no one deseres this... I guess my luck just sucks!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-44521762004923403972011-12-17T00:18:00.002-05:002012-03-14T11:23:59.618-04:001 Month<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Today is Brinley's 1 month birthday!! Happy 1 month my sweet angel! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">We hope you liked the balloons we released for you today! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">We love you and miss you more and more everyday!!!!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It's hard to believe that it's already been a month since we had to say our good-byes to our beautiful baby girl. I wish I could have her with me right now....I wish this blog could be about the struggles of being a new mom......but sometimes we don't get what we want. Well, I guess I did get what I asked/prayed for.....I prayed the entire time that I was pregnant that Brinley would be healthy and happy. She is most definitely healthy and happy watching over us in Heaven. Although, being healthy and happy in Heaven is not quite what I meant, she is what I prayed that she would be......I guess next time I should be more specific! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A friend of mine found this online and shared it with me, so I thought that I would pass it along.....it's crazy how a person I've never met can speak the words that my heart tries to say....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">A Bereaved Parent’s wishlist:<br />
I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had her back. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have t<span class="text_exposed_show">alked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that she is dead. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself. I don’t want to have a “Pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will never understand.</span></div><div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed"></div><div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed"><span class="text_exposed_show"><3 Melissa <3</span></div></span></span>Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-82633173284779845542011-12-12T22:42:00.001-05:002012-03-14T11:24:11.610-04:00Focus on the GoodSometimes I just wish it would all go away! The life that I have been chosen to live is not the one I expected....if I had a choice, I wouldn't even participate in it. As with everyone, I had the beautiful life picked out for me! Although I'm not foolish enough to think that everyday would be this perfect rendition of your favorite movie scene, I knew I'd have my share of bad times simply because that's what life is about.<br />
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Fortunately I still have my Maddox! Although he is growing up way to fast for my liking, he's the best kid ever. He may not be my child (actually my 2nd cousin) but I couldn't love him anymore than I do now. I've been there since day 1 for him (and his Momma) and I'll be there for the rest of my life. I'm not his Momma...I'm his MeMe and I claim "daddy rights" on him! :-) He never fails to bring a smile to my face when he comes over to the house just to tell me he loves me and give me a hug. He's 6yrs old going on 15, and as intelligent as could be. I am so very proud of him!! He's polite, courteous to others, has a huge heart.....but he is a typical 6 yr old at times! No he's not perfect and he does act like a donkey at time, but all in all he's a good kid. <br />
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Maddox was so ready to be a "big brother" so telling him that Brinley wouldn't be coming home with us was quite difficut. We told him that Brinley was really sick and that God needed her with him, Brinley was going to be an angel. He had a hard time with it at first, he was really sad, but we just kept telling him that Brinley would be in our hearts forever. We tell him that he is still her big brother and that he can talk to her anytime he wants to. We read him this poem several times and he seems to take comfort in it.....<br />
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<em><strong>Daddy please don't look so sad, Momma please don't cry.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me a lullaby.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>You see...I'm a special child, I am needed up above.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>... ... I'm the special gift you gave him, a product of your love.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>That's me in the summer showers; I'll be dancing in the rain.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>Know that it's me, planting a kiss upon your nose.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>Don't be sad Mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>So Daddy don't look so sad and Mommy please don't cry.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me a lullaby</strong></em>.<br />
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He has asked to have pictures of Brinley in his room and he talks about her a lot. He often asks us to put her urn in his room (he knows he's not allowed to touch it....because I am paranoid & it scared that something will happen and she accidently get knocked over & break) but when she is in his room, he'll show her all of his toys and tell her where things belong in the room. He tells her all about his day and what he learned at school. It is absolutely the sweetest thing ever to watch/hear happen...even though I have to sneak cause he doesn't like anyone to listen to him, he says it's his "brother time" with her.<br />
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We don't push things on him, I didn't put Brinley's pictures in his room until he asked for them. We had gotten a fiberoptic snowman for Brinley that he asked to have in his room beside his Christmas tree. Tonight he asked if he could keep the snowman beside his bed all the time, even after Christmas...when I asked him why, he said so he could always remember Brinley and so that she could always sleep next to him. He even play board games with her sometimes....and she even wins! I don't know what we'd do without him, he's the light in all of the darkness!<br />
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I couldn't be more proud of him! He's the sweetest, most thoughtful little boy on the planet!Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-70153061180343224232011-12-12T19:11:00.001-05:002012-03-14T11:24:23.357-04:00Brighter Days Ahead"You filled my life with wonder, touched me with surprise. So tonight I light a candle for you my sweet, precious child." <br />
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The Compassionate Friend (TCF) support group held a candlelight service for anyone who has lost a child last night. It was a beautiful, heartfelt service...however, it made me realize that the hard times are no where near being over. I'm still on the roller coasters of emotions that, at times, feels like it's completely out of control. Although I hate the fact that another person has gone through the pain of losing a child, I am grateful that I can turn to someone who has survived the beginning stages of the grieving process. I know that I will always grieve the loss of our beautiful daughter but right now the pain is still so raw that some days I struggle to get out of bed. <br />
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TCF is a group that started in Lexington by a lady who lost her son (by reasons that I am unaware of), 33 years later there are 625 chapter around the world. Which is Amazing! They hold an annual candle lighting service to honor and remember our children who are gone too soon. Candles were lit here at 7 pm....by the time that it reaches around the world, it's 24 hours of candles lit. The service is intended for any parent who has lost a child, for any reason, at any age.<br />
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Meeting the people that we met last night was a comfort to us. They were people who have been in our shoes and have walked the path that we now have to walk. People who understand the pain that we feel and have gotten to better days. People who understand the grief process. It's nice to be around those that I don't have to be "strong" for. Being told that although the pain will always be there, it will get better in time...which is nice to know because it doesn't feel that way right now. Seeing people smile, who have had to say good-bye to a child, lets me know that I can get through this too.<br />
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Although I'm not quite as "strong" as a lot of people think that I am...I do know that with God by my side, I can get through anything, I would be completely lost without my faith in Him. I long for the day that I get to wrap my arms around Brinley again, but until then, I'll carry her in my heart and in my thoughts. I pray every night that God allow her to come to me in my dreams. I do feel a slight bit of comfort in knowing that my baby girl is now whole, healthy, happy and in the arms of Jesus Christ, as well as all of our family/friends who have gone on before us.<br />
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<3 Melissa <3Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-45850517244656499652011-12-06T18:07:00.001-05:002012-03-14T11:24:37.644-04:00Picking Up The PiecesIt's been almost 3 weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful angel. I should be 23 weeks pregnant with her, I should still be able to feel her move around, I should be preparing for her arrival, I should be complaining because none of my clothes fit anymore.....but I'm not! Instead I have an emptiness that nothing can fill. I have a crib that is still in the box, I have clothes that I had to pack away because Brinley will never wear them, I have toys that she can't play with but most of all I have questions that have no answers. All I have are pictures, memories and a beautiful urn with the remains of my only child in it.<br />
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Studies show that anencephaly happens in 1 and every 1000 pregnancies...why did Brinley have to be that one? Not that I would ever wish this to happen to anyone, but why me!?! Is my karma really that bad...I guess that would depend on who you asked. I've done my fair share of dumb shit (maybe even more than my share) and I'm sure others got hurt in the process. But I don't recall ever intentionally setting out to hurt anyone & over the last 7 years I've tried to make amends for my wrongs. I don't think that I deserved this...despite the opinion of one in particular.<br />
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Getting ready for Christmas is a trying time. I see all of the "Baby's First Christmas" stuff everywhere but my baby's first Christmas won't be spend with me...or any other Christmas for that matter. I'm putting up a stocking for her & she has her own ornament (as we get a new ornament each year for each of us).<br />
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I feel like I'm on a "poor me" kick...which is not me at all. I have always been one who could take a punch. I could get knocked down, get up, dust myself off and move on as if it were easy. Some say it's a defense mechanism that I have....or maybe I've been knocked down so many times that I just taught myself to get back up. Either way, I learned to pick up the pieces by walking away from the situation that knocked my down and put it behind me. This is different though.....I can't walk away from the situation, I can't forget about her and I don't want to either. I want to hold her as close to me as I can for the rest of my life.<br />
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This has been a hard day for me.....I've tried to keep myself busy with cleaning & putting up all the Christmas stuff & rearranging furniture. But since I just had shoulder surgery 2 weeks ago, my shoulder doesn't hold out for much of the activities that I've been trying to do today.<br />
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<3 Melissa <3Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-21012413511320424492011-12-04T23:41:00.001-05:002012-03-14T11:24:50.545-04:00Brinley Faith....(cont.)Anencephaly is considered a neural tube defect (NTF)....the neural tube is a narrow channel that folds and closes between the 3rd and 4th weeks of pregnancy to form the brain and spinal cord of the baby (technically speaking, the embryo). Anencephaly occurs when the tube on the head end of the neural tube fails to close...causing absence of a major part of the brain, skull and scalp. According to research material, babies born with anencephaly are "usually born blind, deaf, unconscious and unable to feel pain". However, I have talked with many women who have anen angels who speak very differently! One in particular said of her son, who lived for 55 hours (and I quote her words) "Anencephalic babies DO feel, they feel pain, pleasure, and most importantly, they feel our love." Babies who have anencephaly are usually born asleep, even if they survive the trauma of birth, they briefly live....up to a couple of days.<br />
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Unfortunately, I wasn't one who was blessed with the ability to have given birth to a baby who was screaming at me. I prayed & prayed.....I asked the Chaplins at the hospital to pray as well....that God grant me the miracle of Brinley being born alive. I wanted so badly to hear her cry, even if it were only for a brief moment. We had listened to her heartbeat for hours but when she was in the birth canal it was hard to keep her on the monitor because she was so far down and she was so small. Even through the hardest part of my labor, I was begging God to let her be born alive!! But I didn't get my miracle....she was born asleep. But they had to cut the umbilical cord before they could hand her to me (the cord wasn't long enough)...I wanted nothing more than to hold her. I didn't care that she was still covered in all the "stuff", I didn't want them to get her cleaned up yet, I wanted her skin on my skin. <br />
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After a few minutes they did have to take her briefly to take the tissue sample that was needed from her. ( .....By the way, Duke University has been conducting a study on NTD since 1993. (They are studying the cause of anencepahlay and spina bifida.) We choose to participate in the study. For the study, Leif & I both had to donate a few tubes of blood and they took a small tissue sample from Brinley (extremely small sample...just enough to get her DNA). We won't get any answers as to why this happened to Brinley, but very little is known about why this happens to any baby....without a definite cause there will never be a cure.) By the time the nurses got me unhooked from all of the monitors, my IV and the epidural...yeah, the epidural that didn't work....I was able to clean myself up and they had her back to me. It didn't seem like she was gone long at all, but then they had my attention directed in 4-5 different places. At the same time that the room calmed down and the nurses were leaving, the doctor was bringing her back to me.<br />
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Our beautiful baby girl was all cleaned up and we were able to take her footprints, rub her down with oil (her skin was so dry), and get tiny bonnet on her head. She weighed 5.6 ounces and was 16cm in length....extremely tiny....she fit in the palm of our hand. Leaving the hospital, later that day, was horrible! Leaving her with the Chaplin was quite difficult, walking out of the hospital while watching other mothers carry their newborn babies out to their awaiting vehicles wasn't any better. I'll never understand "why" God chose me to give birth to an angel...not that I would wish the pain of losing a child on anyone else....but why did my baby have to die. I had to pull it together, Brinley may not be with us physically but this was her birthday and that is something to celebrate! On our way home, we wrote a message to her on a couple balloons and released them as we sang "Happy Birthday" to her. We know that she is watching over us, and we know that she knows how much we love her.<br />
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We had her Memorial Service on the 18th....the ceremony was beautiful. The songs we played were perfect for what we were feeling & the thoughts that we were thinking. (*Beauty From Pain by Superchick*<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">With Hope by Stephen Curtis Chapman </span>*What Faith Can Do by Kutless <span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">*Homesick by Mecry Me ). We were only expecting a small turnout for the service but we had over 100 people come. It was amazing to see how much support we had and to see just how many lives our baby girl had touched.</span>Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-91406417724055436892011-12-04T01:03:00.001-05:002012-03-14T11:25:01.497-04:00Brinley Faith......Meeting Our AngelSince we decided to induce early... we knew that we would need to plan a memorial service for our daughter. I do believe that having to plan everything and wanting to make it as beautiful and as perfect as I possibly could, helped me make it through the 3 weeks between finding out that our little girl wouldn't make it to live in this world and meeting her for the first time. <br />
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I wish I had someone or something to blame for what was happening to me...but I couldn't and I didn't. Anencephaly has no known cause...it happens randomly! The only thing that they know that can possibly prevent it (lower the risk by 60%) is a high dose of folic acid. I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant, my tubes were supposed to be blocked....so why would I take folic acid daily? Even if I thought I could get pregnant, I had never heard of anencephaly...and no doctor had ever told me that I should be on folic acid prior to conception to help prevent neural tube defects. I've known many women to get pregnant in my 33 years of life...none of them ever took folic acid...they all had healthy babies, so why wouldn't I. God was the only place I could turn for help! <br />
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I have had a close relationship with God for several years so he was the one I turned to. I don't know why he chose Brinley, I don't know what I was supposed to learn but I do know God's plan isn't flawed. I know that God doesn't sit in Heaven waiting to play cruel jokes on people....he didn't try to hurt me or Brinley. I've known some people who lost a loved one and they blame God, but I didn't. Not saying that I'm better than those people because I don't know why I didn't, maybe it was because I knew being angry wouldn't help me at all. Maybe it was because I knew my little girl would be in Heaven....waiting for me to get there and being angry with God wouldn't get me any closer to my little girl. The Bible tells us that we'll have trials, tribulations & sorrows, it also says that He will not give us more than we can handle...no where in the Bible does it say that we are going to like what we have to go through on the earth (in my own paraphrase of the Bible...it says that this life will SUCK), but it does promise us that it will be worth everything we endure.<br />
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I had to go into the doctor on November 14th to start the process. Although we know what we were facing, we still wanted to have another ultrasound just to be for sure that there were no changes in Brinley's condition. I know that God has the ability to heal, he preforms miracles everyday....it has happened before...it could happen again...Right?!? Well, although I guess I knew deep down that my baby girl was to sick, I had to see for myself...one more time. Through the ultrasound, we were able to watch her move around...but the ultrasound tech informed us that she had other "complications". She (the ultrasound tech) wasn't able to get a view of Brinley's right arm and her left wrist/hand didn't seem "normal". She did inform us that Brinley hadn't grown any at all in the last 3 weeks and that she had already turned to make her way down the birth canal. She was ready to be born even before they had given me the medicine to make her ready. My little girl was a fighter....she had made it longer than they thought she would but she was growing tired.<br />
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We went into the hospital the following morning, although I was an emotional mess on the inside, I knew in my heart that we were doing the right thing. During my stay in the hospital, I had all of those closest to me there. I had the monitors on so that I could hear Brinley's heart beating, I didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want to miss a beat of it. The chaplins at the hospital came it to ask us what our wishes were. After talking to them throughout the day, we decided to have her baptized at birth...not because we doubted that she would go to Heaven but so that we could rest knowing that we did everything that we could for her. After 28 hours of labor.... I gave birth to Brinley Faith Morgan!!! On November 16, 2011 at 12:01am our daughter was born asleep and she was just as beautiful as I had dreamed!! Now she wasn't "perfect" by society standards but she was perfectly ours and she was everything we had ever wanted.<br />
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We were able to spend several hours with her...We were able to take tons of pictures of her & with her (a professional photographer that was with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep also came to take a ton more pictures). We weren't rushed to say our good-byes, we were able to say the good-bye to our daughter as we wanted to and to take the time we needed......which was the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do. <br />
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<3 Melissa <3Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902410388411906158.post-85201073858906014892011-12-03T23:42:00.000-05:002012-03-14T11:25:19.730-04:00Brinley Faith....The BeginningMy husband & I had wanted to have a family more than anything. We had tried for several years, went through test after test; only to find out that both of my tubes were completely blocked. We checked into InVetro, adoption, and becoming foster parents. After 3 years of trying and being told that it wasn't possible, we found out that we were expecting our first child!!! The excitement we felt was beyond words...this was the child that we had wished for, hoped for, prayed for...this was our miracle baby! <br />
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We were due to have an ultrasound at 20 weeks to determine the sex of the baby...but I am an impatient person and couldn't wait that long! So I scheduled a 4D ultrasound to find out (and see my baby) at 16 weeks. It was a big family event, at 16 weeks pregnant, on October 22, 2011 we went to our appointment. We did find out that we were having a baby girl, which was the only good thing that came out of the ultrasound. The lady stopped the ultrasound and told us that some things with our baby girl didn't "look normal" and that we needed to see our doctor. We watched her heart beating while the lady was trying to get our little girl to wake up and move around so she could get a better look at her. We left there thinking that we may be having a special needs child, which we were ok with. But I had felt her move several times, so I was convinced that she would be fine. Never did I expect what I was about to hear a couple days later.<br />
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On October 24, 2011 we went to our doctor....she did an ultrasound and immediately sent us on to a high risk doctor. She told us that our daughter was in distress and that she had a lot of fluid on her body. She told us that the high risk doctor would be able to tell us more. Although we were both terrified in the truck on the way to the next doctor, I still never thought that our baby wouldn't still be with me today. We got to the office and they did another ultrasound....about 20 minutes into the ultrasound, we heard the most heart wrenching thing we had ever heard on our lives. Our little girl, whom we had named Brinley Faith, had a anencephaly which is a condition that is "incompatible with life". Although, at first it was hard for me to believe as I watched her heart beating and her kicking on the monitor. I don't remember much about what the doctor said after that other than we needed to decide how long we wanted to wait before they induced labor. He thought that with her other complications that "nature would take it's course" within a week or so. <br />
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We couldn't make any decisions without educating ourselves on anencephaly, we had never even heard of it. After many hours of research, we had to face reality....our miracle child was going to be born an angel. I was her life support and from what the doctors had told us, she was suffering. We had to make the hardest decision of our lives. With everything the doctors had told us, everything we had read, and many hours of prayer ... we chose to induce early. It wasn't a choice that was easy on us, we took a lot of things into consideration as we made our choices. We didn't want our little girl to suffer but we didn't want to say good bye to her either. Our decision to deliver preterm was based on what we felt was best for our daughter.<br />
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<3 Melissa <3Morgan Family Journeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14826045639697476852noreply@blogger.com0