Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What Made Me....Me!

As my Dad once said..."she graduated from the School of Hard Knocks, top of her class"! Sure it was a joke for him, but it was quite true in reality. Let me say now, before someone gets the wrong idea...I sent myself through the "School of Hard Knocks"! Believe me, my parents tried everything they could (short of military school) to get me to act right but I wasn't going to listen...to anyone! For some strange reason, I wanted to learn things the hard way...I wanted to see all that "life" was about...I wanted to make my own path...and I wanted to do it MY way.

Needless to say, the course I took through life wasn't the easiest road one could take...But I did learn a whole lot on the road, some good, some bad, some fun, some sad. I lost a lot of people that meant a lot to me over the years; some to death, some to prison, some just because they couldn't (or wouldn't) deal with all of my festivities, and some because I just had to walk away! Although, those who watched all of my destruction from a distance were the ones most affected ... only I didn't know that until ... life as I once knew it, completely imploded. I do mean "imploded".....with the blink of an eye, everything that I knew and the person I had become...had to change!

Most people who quit the lifestyle that I led say how bad things were for them and how miserable they were while they were getting high and living the lifestyle that you live. Well...I'm not one of those people! I had a whole lot of fun and for the most part, I can't say that I "regret" any of it. Sure, I had those days/ weeks that were less than ideal but for the most part, it wasn't that bad. But to compare the way things were then  as to the way the are now...it's as different as night and day. I wouldn't change the way things are now for anything. Then again, I wouldn't change the way thing were either, I learned so much from it all. I learned what people are made of, but most importantly, I learned what I am made of.

I earned the nickname of Lizzard!! Not because of anything x-rated but because my nephew couldn't say my name.....but I say that I earned it because I have the ability to adapt to my environment quite easily. I took the name with pride and for the longest time, even those closest to me didn't know what my real name (and I liked it that way). Lets just say that I was doing a few things that could've landed me in prison for several years, so people not knowing my real name wasn't a bad thing.

June 12, 2005 marked the beginning of the whole new me! To make a very long story short....I had a wreck...woke up in the hospital with a shattered wrist, a few broken ribs & a huge knot on the side of my head...under arrest....lets just say it wasn't my best day!! Who would've thought that what was then the worst day of my life would actually turn out to be the best day of my life. Sobriety came fairly easy for me...after all, my choices were to embrace sobriety or prison but I had to embrace something because the judge wasn't going to let me keep my old life, so I choose sobriety!

Through sobriety, I got to know the God that created me!! I'm not the same person that I used to be and I don't care to even go back to being that person. But I don't wish to erase the past either...all that I was, has made who I am...and I love me!!! Having a relationship with God doesn't make the bad days go away but it does make them more bearable. I don't consider myself to be a "religious" person, I can't recite Bible verses and I can't tell you details.....but I do know the jest of what the Bible teaches us. I do consider myself "spiritual" because I do know God and I do have a personal relationship with him. I try to do the right thing by what I have learned and what I believe. I honestly believe that Jesus saved us from our sins and that people can change, if they truly want to. I have faith in things that I cannot see...I may not be able to touch it but I can feel it!

<3 Melissa <3

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Seems Like Yesterday

It’s been just over two months and it still seems like yesterday that I held my beautiful baby girl in the palm of my hand. What I would give to have her with me today…to hear her crying and keeping me up at nights would be heaven sent. But since dwelling on what could’ve been will get me absolutely no where, I must be thankful for the time that I did get with her. I know that my time with her was short; I also know that my time with her was exactly what God had planned. I know that she is in a much better place and I know that she doesn’t hurt anymore. I also know who her parents are….which probably means that she is keeping the man up there on his toes!! J I do miss her more than anything but I want her to look down from Heaven and be proud to tell her friends that I am her Mommy, I don't want her to be sad for me ... so I have to move forward the best I can. I will always carry her with me, in everything I do; she will always be a part of me! God gives me strength to pick up the pieces; God gives me the courage to get out of bed in the mornings….without God I would never get through this. He has blessed me with a support system that is unreal…they are my rock!! 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Beginning of 2012

I expected the Christmas holiday to be difficult considering that it was my 1st Christmas without Brinley. I was waiting for the meltdown to happen...but it never did. I felt sad but at the same time, I felt at peace. I miss her like crazy and not a moment goes by that I don't think of her but I know that she is where God intended for her to be. It was nice to know that family hasn't forgotten about her. She was talked about a lot and it's quite clear that her memory is still alive ... She is most definitely with us!!

As we look forward to what 2012 has to offer us...I have to give thanks for the blessings that I have received in 2011. Dwelling on the bad will never bring Brinley back to me but being grateful to God for all that he has blessed me with will allow me to see her again one day. Some days it's not always easy to remember the good but there will always be tomorrow. Yes, I know they say that "tomorrow is never promised"....but in reality it has been! God has promised each of us eternal life and in my book, that means "tomorrow" (I never said "tomorrow" would take place on this earth)!!

I have an amazing family that have been more than supportive through my entire life (even when they should've walked away from all of my ignorance) ... I could never begin thank them enough to show my gratitude. I have a church family and my husband's family who have stood by us and walked beside us through what was the hardest, most difficult time of our life. We may have slept through the ball drop of 2011, but we have God, family, friends and a church family who made 2011 a year to remember...a year to cherish!

<3 Melissa <3